Slouch Witch Read online

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  The Ipsissimus knitted his fingers together under his chin and leant forward. ‘First of all, I must ask how you know Philosophus Harrington.’

  ‘Eve? She’s my neighbour. We share the same building and I look after her familiar from time to time when she’s away.’

  ‘Did you seek her out knowing she was part of the Order?’

  That stung; it suggested I had designs on tracking the ins and outs of what these plonkers got up to. I wasn’t that nefarious. Even if I had the will, I didn’t have the energy.

  ‘No.’ This time my tone was short.

  The Ipsissimus nodded. ‘And have you been practising since you left the Order?’

  ‘I didn’t leave the Order,’ I said pointedly. ‘I was booted out.’ He didn’t speak. I sighed. ‘Yes. I have on occasion used magic.’

  One of the other seated men spoke up. ‘Have your skills progressed at all?’

  I clenched my fists then, realising what I was doing, slowly relaxed. ‘They have. Would you like a demonstration?’ I’d turn him into a frog if that was what it was going to take.

  ‘That won’t be necessary,’ the Ipsissimus broke in.

  Winter coughed. ‘She does have clear, well-honed abilities.’

  I looked at him, surprised. He was supposed to be doing all he could to get me out of here, not encouraging this lot to keep me around.

  ‘You’ve seen evidence of this?’ a severe-looking woman enquired. ‘Actually watched her cast runes? Or use herblore?’

  ‘No,’ he admitted.

  The people round the table exchanged looks. ‘You arrived after Ms Wilde’s expulsion,’ she said.

  ‘She alluded to what had happened.’

  ‘Did she now? Well, I think we all know what her skills and abilities are really like.’

  There was a titter from several others. I bristled. ‘I am here, you know.’

  The Ipsissimus offered me a benign smile. ‘Our apologies. And our apologies that you were dragged into this … situation. There was a mix-up with the paperwork and we didn’t realise that Philosophus Harrington was absent on Order business. The error is understandable, if not forgivable.’

  On one side of the table I spotted a red-robed man whose heavy-bagged eyes and unkempt hair suggested that he was under considerable stress. He seemed to shrink into himself. No prizes for guessing whose error it had been.

  The Ipsissimus continued. ‘We have looked into the specifications of the binding which Adeptus Minor Biggins created and there is some opportunity to remove the spell.’

  Praise the heavens. I exhaled. ‘Good. Get it off.’

  ‘In one hundred days’ time, there will be a slight loosening as the magic begins to wear off. At that time, it is possible we can remove it.’

  I looked at him. Had I heard that properly? ‘One hundred days?’ I asked. ‘One hundred days’ time?’

  The Ipsissimus continued to smile. It was tinged with sympathy but all the same it was becoming mightily irritating. ‘Yes. I’m afraid there’s nothing else we can do.’

  ‘You’d better not be planning any holidays abroad,’ I muttered to Winter. I tilted up my chin. ‘So it’s settled then. Adeptus Exemptus Winter and I stay within five miles of each other and neither of us leaves Oxford. You compensate me for my future lack of earnings and in one hundred days’ time, the spell is removed.’

  ‘And you work with him.’ The Ipsissimus addressed Winter. ‘It’s not ideal but as long as she tags along during all investigations and occasionally helps you with your Arcane work, the terms of the binding will be met. Your forbearance is greatly appreciated but we know you will rise to the challenge. You can learn a great deal from training someone so … complex.’

  Complex? My eyebrows shot up. ‘Er, excuse me. I’m not working with him. I don’t want anything to do with you lot.’

  The Ipsissimus took on an expression of great sufferance. ‘You will.’

  I crossed my arms. ‘No. I won’t.’

  ‘When you left the Order—’

  ‘When I was expelled.’

  A tiny vein bulged in his forehead. ‘When you left the Order, we decided that it would be prudent not to take further action against you, Ms Wilde. You assaulted a fellow Neophyte.’

  Now it was my time to twitch. ‘What’s your point?’

  ‘We can still bring charges against you.’

  I met his eyes; the good ol’ Ipsissimus wasn’t bluffing. I shrugged. ‘Go ahead. What’s the worst that could happen?’

  ‘You end up in prison for up to five years.’

  Oh. ‘I doubt the Order would want the negative publicity,’ I said calmly. ‘It wouldn’t look good having a young Order member behind bars.’

  ‘That was certainly the case eight years ago. But you’re no longer a fresh-faced teenager.’ He consulted a sheet of paper in front of him. ‘You’ve been driving taxis.’

  ‘It’s an honest profession.’

  ‘Indeed.’ The Ipsissimus rubbed his chin. ‘You’ve had several complaints brought against you for refusing to drive customers long distances. You only put in the minimum hours required. In the time since you left the Order, you’ve essentially achieved nothing. You’re hardly a paragon of virtue. I don’t think many people would have sympathy for you.’

  My bottom lip jutted out. ‘I don’t think that’s fair! I’ve achieved a great deal since I was expelled.’ I leant forward slightly. ‘I once won five hundred pounds on a This Morning phone-in competition. And not many other people can say they’ve never missed an episode of Enchantment.’ I felt Winter shift beside me. He was probably jealous.

  ‘We are not amused, Ms Wilde,’ the Ipsissimus said.

  ‘If I work with him,’ I said, jabbing a finger in Winter’s direction and making him stiffen dramatically, ‘I’ll end up causing more problems than I solve. A hundred days isn’t that long. Give the poor man a holiday. He certainly looks like he needs it.’

  ‘He’s a very important member of the Arcane Branch and has a high success rate. We have no desire to lose him for three months because of a mix-up in the paperwork.’

  ‘If I go to prison, you’ll still lose him.’

  ‘Perhaps. But we’ll also gain considerable satisfaction in return.’

  Well, at least the Ipsissimus was honest. I thought about it; maybe prison wouldn’t be so bad. I wouldn’t have to cook. I could spend my days lounging around in a cell. It could be restful. Somehow I doubted it, though.

  ‘What about Eve?’

  ‘What about her?’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘This is her dream. It’s not her fault she’s not here and I’ve been flung into her place. She’ll be gutted if I’ve taken her spot.’

  ‘We will find her a commensurate position, I assure you.’

  They’d better. There had to be some way to get myself out of all this that didn’t involve prison scrubs.

  ‘Oh for goodness’ sake,’ Winter hissed. ‘You don’t have to do anything. Just follow me around and occasionally comment or file some paperwork.’

  The Ipsissimus looked stern. ‘We invoked the binding because you don’t work well with others, Adeptus Winter. This will be good practice for you for the future.’

  ‘We all know she doesn’t have the skills to do anything anyway,’ one of the seated Order bigwigs said. He didn’t make the slightest attempt to lower his voice. I glared nastily at him. He didn’t flinch. That’s when I knew I’d fall into line. There was a part of me that was incandescent with rage that they thought I was weak and useless and had no magic of my own. It was only a glowing ember of anger rather than a burning inferno – but it was enough.

  ‘Fine,’ I snapped. ‘I’ll do it.’

  The Ipsissimus nodded as if that was what he’d expected all along. ‘Excellent. Then we are done here. For obvious reasons, we shall do what we can to keep this … mistake quiet.’ He stood up. A heartbeat later, Winter propelled me out of the room as if my presence were co
ntaminating the air and had to be removed.

  It took fewer than three steps after the door closed behind us before I began to regret my words. ‘Well, that was stupid,’ I muttered. Right now, a hundred days felt like a life sentence.

  ‘I’m glad you’ve realised that,’ Winter said. ‘You’re lucky to be given a second chance with the Order. If you do well, you might even be welcomed back as a Neophyte.’

  I resisted the temptation to kick him sharply on the shins. ‘That’s not what I meant, Adeptus Exemptus Winter. I meant it was stupid that I caved in.’

  ‘You’d rather go to jail?’ he enquired.

  It didn’t matter what I said; he wouldn’t understand. He obviously believed that the Order was the best thing since non-stick cauldrons. I elected not to answer. Instead I huffed along, my hands in my pockets and my shoulders slouched. ‘I want to go home now,’ I said distinctly.

  Winter regarded me for a moment. ‘Fine. I’ll stop off and pick up the basics for you to get started and I’ll take you back. I’m sure your sofa is missing you.’

  Sarcasm? ‘The next three months are going to be so much fun, Adeptus Exemptus Winter,’ I responded.

  His mouth tightened. ‘You don’t have to keep calling me that.’

  I held up my palms. ‘Oh no, you said that’s how I have to address you so that’s what I’ll do. I’d hate to go against Order protocol. Maybe I should add in a curtsey at the end of each sentence. What do you think?’

  ‘That’s enough,’ he growled.

  Good. I was getting under his skin. I was going to make him regret this for every minute of the next hundred days. Him and the rest of the damned Order.

  ***

  I waited outside the Supply Office while Winter went in to get what I supposedly needed to trail after him like a forlorn puppy. A collar and lead, perhaps. Or I’d get lucky and he’d pick up some treats to make sure I sat like a good girl and gave him a paw when he needed it. Whatever. He could carry all that stuff around if he wanted to. I wasn’t going to help. Unfortunately, electing to stay in the corridor wasn’t a good move. I wasn’t left alone to enjoy the temporary peace for long.

  The trouble with the Order headquarters – and indeed most bureaucratic building – is that they’ve been designed with total lack of imagination. They might look impressively ancient from the outside and might well be thoughtfully constructed and a testament to the age in which they are built, but inside they’re a box. Criss-crossing offices in grid formation; boxes upon boxes upon beige wall-covered boxes. Google this ain’t.

  It also means there are long corridors so, from my position at the end of one hallway, I could see perfectly to the other end. My view wasn’t blocked by the tired-looking photocopier dumped outside, nor was it hampered by the stack of fire-risk cardboard boxes. So when Tarquin Willingham of Posh Street, London, appeared two hundred metres away, I could do nothing but watch his approach. In theory it gave me time to prepare the right words; in practice, it ramped up my dismay. I guess I knew now who Anthea had sought out after I bumped into her in the quad. I shouldn’t have been surprised.

  Tarquin was dressed more casually than Winter; he wore a suit but it was minus both a jacket and tie. I wondered whether he’d taken them off – the Order’s equivalent of rolling up your sleeves. Then I decided I didn’t care.

  ‘I’m surprised you’re here alone,’ I called, as soon as he got close. ‘Aren’t you afraid I might hurt you again?’

  Tarquin tsked. ‘I’ve spent the last eight years living and breathing the Order, Ivy. I think it’s fair to say that I’ve probably got skills now that you can only dream about.’

  Somehow I doubted that. ‘What do you want, Tarq?’

  He ran a hand through his blond hair. The style was artless, giving the impression that he’d merely run a comb through it. I had a feeling that it took him a lot longer to get it the way he wanted it. With Tarquin, appearances were everything.

  ‘It’s good to see you again,’ he said.

  ‘I’d say the same,’ I told him, ‘but then I’d be a big, fat liar.’

  Something sparked in his eyes and he dropped all pretence of politeness. ‘How did you do it?’

  I inspected my fingernails. ‘Do what?’

  ‘Wheedle your way back in here. What lies did you tell them?’

  ‘You’re the liar, not me. Or have you rewritten history in your own head as well as everyone else’s?’

  ‘If you’re here to cause trouble—’

  I cocked my head, amused. ‘Then what? What will you do, Tarq? Because I think you’ve pretty much done everything already.’

  ‘Look,’ he hissed. ‘I told you I was sorry. I didn’t mean to get caught cheating and I didn’t mean for you to take the blame.’

  ‘You didn’t own up though, did you?’

  ‘Ivy, you know what my father is like. If he found out—’

  ‘Aw, diddums. Life must be so tough for you, Tarquin. Painted as the victim of nasty, plagiarising Ivy Wilde.’ My eyes gleamed. ‘Tell me, did you ever master that protective spell or do you still steal from others to cover up your own failings?’

  ‘I don’t need to steal. I’m highly respected here these days, Ivy. I’ve come a long way since then. Adeptus Exemptus Winter knows it. He knows that…’

  ‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter knows what?’

  We both turned. Winter was standing there, holding a box and gazing at Tarquin with a hard question in his eyes.

  Tarquin swallowed. ‘You know that Ivy will be able to start afresh. That she’s not the same person she was eight years ago and she can wipe the slate clean. It’s very good of you to give her a second chance.’

  He just couldn’t help himself. He was so desperate to avoid his name being tarnished that he’d keep up his web of lies and deceit even though no one cared. Certainly not me. Frankly, he’d done me a favour all those years ago. If I’d not been blamed for his actions, I’d never have experienced how good it was to be truly free. I’d have been an Order zealot like the rest of them.

  ‘Hmm,’ Winter said. ‘Don’t you have errands to run for Adeptus Major Price? I’m sure you’re not here just for yourself.’

  Relieved to be given the chance to escape, Tarquin nodded vigorously. ‘I do, Adeptus. I’d better get a move on. Thank you so much. I take my duties very seriously, as you know.’ He didn’t look at me as he said this last part but I knew it was a dig. Then he bowed and scurried away, like the weasel he was.

  Winter and I watched him go. As soon as he was out of earshot, Winter glanced at me. ‘Do you want to tell me what that was really about?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Hmm,’ he said again.

  To stave off any further questions, I smiled brightly. ‘Is that for me?’ I pointed at the box in Winter’s hands.

  ‘What? Oh, yes.’ He handed it to me; I guessed I’d have to carry it after all. ‘This is everything you’ll need. Take time this evening to go through it carefully. We’ll start tomorrow at dawn in the gym.’

  ‘Dawn?’

  Winter nodded impatiently.

  ‘Gym?’

  He sighed. ‘Part of my job is to make sure you have the skills to do this job. When we are not undertaking missions, I will be training and mentoring you. Believe me, there are plenty of other things I’d rather be doing with my time.’

  I didn’t care a jot about Winter’s time; it was the loss of my time that bothered me. What happened to following him around for a bit and throwing in a comment every so often? I didn’t like the sound of this at all. ‘I’m only here for a hundred days. There’s no point. If I were Eve, things would be different but I’m not, so I really think…’

  ‘Stop arguing. The Ipsissimus was very clear about his expectations. I’m not about to shirk my responsibilities, regardless of who you are. I have to prove to the Order that bindings like this are unnecessary for me because I’ll perform my duties as expected, despite the circumstances. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ His blue eyes da
rkened forbiddingly. ‘Don’t be late.’

  ‘Yes, Adeptus Exemptus Winter. Three bags full.’

  He ignored my sarcasm. ‘You will conduct yourself as befits a member of the Order, notwithstanding what happened in the past. This is a serious profession and I will not have it undermined by smart-aleck comments or disorderly behaviour. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, and my position will not be compromised because you are tagging along everywhere I go. Some people may think the Order is obsolete but they are very much mistaken. What I do – and what the Order does – is vital to the wellbeing of this country. Magic is not to be trifled with. It’s a solemn and grave endeavour. You will be polite and well-mannered at all times.’ He glanced at my clothes. ‘You will dress appropriately and smartly. If you afford me respect, I will give you the same in return and we can survive the next hundred days relatively unscathed.’

  Pompous jackass. I clicked my heels together and saluted.

  He opened his mouth to say something else apparently thought better of it. Instead he turned and walked off in the same direction as Tarquin without so much as a friendly goodbye. I shrugged.

  Rather than get caught eyeing up his arse again, I stared into the box and registered the items with a sinking heart. This was not going to be fun.

  Chapter Five

  By the time I got back to my little flat, after checking on Harold and making sure he was fed, watered and happy, I was footsore and very, very grumpy. I dumped Winter’s little box of tricks on my kitchen table, where I resolved never to look at it again, and flounced into the living room. It didn’t help matters that I couldn’t find a plumber willing to come out – unless it was for an exorbitant emergency callout charge – until Monday. I wrapped myself in my duvet, curled up on the sofa and sniffed.

  ‘This is all a dream,’ I told myself. ‘A terrible nightmare. I’m about to wake up and I’ll laugh at myself.’ I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched my arm. For good measure, Brutus appeared and offered a secondary nip with his sharp teeth. Neither worked. I opened my eyes and gazed at him. ‘Yeah,’ I sighed. ‘I knew it was too much to ask. You can’t blame me for trying though.’